monday blues

it is really FUCKING COLD in the office now.....FUCKING FUCKING COLD..y do the admin ppl decided that the aircond need servicing. Without the servicing, its like i am living in the artic.....now its serviced! sometimes i find these admin annoying in the way i am annoyed with those certain ppl who decided yoga is illegal for muslim practitioner.
business is damn slow these days but i seemed to be busier than ever. Bad economy means business is bad means to avoid the possibilities of retrenchment, you need to up your game....
work is getting less fun, it is me or is it the company??..i keep asking myself that. This company is my 3rd company in my 4 years of working. Its like 1 company per year....and my first managerial position. Sometimes i just think i am good in giving first impressions(during interviews, meet ppl for the first time) ...when it comes to deliver, i kinda give up easily. Managing ppl is not the easiest thing to do...especially managing a bunch of unambitious aunties. No one care to bother, no one care to deliver or impress their boss. Its like they already decided their fate and work just enough to support their expenses. Again, i would ask myself...its the managers fault that he failed to motivate them or its the company's fault to hire these ppl.
then come to the meeting part, where all departments will start bombarding each others and i have to defend my own. I do not have a luxury to lead a team of well spoken, ambitious degree holder. instead what i get is aunties who are only interested to talk about diapers brand, cheapest hypermarket for groceries (even that could come out) . Of coz i blame myself for not having the interest to talk diapers brand.
Take note however, i am not weak. I just refuse to do something that i dont like. like faking to be interested in someone, faking to talk about tesco vs carrefour (aunties topic, even that can come out)
Today, just like every other Monday, i felt like quitting my post. The paycheck doesnt seem that attractive anymore.....maybe i should go for a holiday.
And i hate my boss (who doesnt hate their boss?)

my little secret - part 1

I been sick and tired and lazy with myself for not having a good discipline to actually workout, eat healthily, and control my food intake. long story short....with money you can do a lot of things....

SOOOOO, i bought 1 bottle of Lipo 6, 3 weeks ago....i actually have a drastic weight loss, about 3kg in 3 weeks....my waist reduced by 1.5 inches....my face kinda shrink, lucky my lil bro did not loose any weight.....

Lipo 6 is supposed to increase my metabolism and suppress my appetite....i guess no one can ever separate my from food....my metabolism indeed increased, which i am still getting used to . my heart beats faster, like i am jogging non stop even when i am just sitting in from of my comp....however, IT DID NOT MANAGED TO SUPPRESS MY APPETITE....instead i am taking advantage of the situation by letting lose! i ate more now because i know i am still gonna lose those weight....

so..there goes my little secret why i managed to get more eyes staring at me in the gym locker room compared to last month! :P

Now i know how painful to love someone

It is always easier to give advice to a person and tell the person how ridiculous they are to fall for someone when situation doesnt allow you to do so.... it is so easy to tell someone "you will get over him one day" , "he is not worth your time" or "why love someone who cant love you back" .


While typing this email, i am in so much pain now. I think its just a crush but i cant seem to get over FIS, who i met in an awkward situation last saturday. I was feeling abit lonely without JP on my side last saturday, so i decided to look for some fun thru the net. I managed to arrange a 3some session that night, and i felt so lucky to be able to get the bottom who is exactly my type...small, bald, cute and nice smile. That night is just supposed to be an ordinary fuck (not mentioning its my first time for 3some (2 top, me and JU and the cute bottom FIS ) . The 3some is awkward because i fall into the 'profile picture not matching the real face' trap. The picture given by the other top is OK looking , but when the real person turned up...i went soft.


I was so turned on by FIS that i started sucking his nipple and after all of that foreplaying, i am already inside him. My unforgetable moment is when i was inside him, we looked into each others eyes and the moment is just so intimate. I am finally making love again, not just plain fuck. I cant remember when is the last time i make love. After the fuck, FIS kept asking "can i hug u" , "can i hug you again" and he will give me a tight tight hug.


Monday i was on MC and i chatted with him when whole day and also the whole nite yesterday until i spilled my milk on my keyboard. Today, i tried my best not to chat with FIS...i love JP and i am sure my feeling for FIS is just a crush, a sexual crush, due to that intimate moment.

To SC ,
I think i kind of understand your feelings now....when u tell me u liked me and all that....i tot it is so easy to get over someone until i experienced this with FIS . Anyhow, you are NOT ALLOWED to talk about this with me ..... I mean if you do....i do not want to answer....i will get over these in few days... :)

Hmmm...after typing this article....i am like over FIS....haha..so easy. Told you its just a hormones

our hardest decision

i am currently watching the 3rd season of grey's anatomy , where georgie and family have to decide whether or not to pull the plug for the life support system.....i stopped there right away and my tears cant stop flowing.... at least i knew i am not a robot, as what most ppl claimed me to be.....

i was in that position 3 years ago...when the doctors asked us to decide if we wanted to put him to sleep forever......he was in pain for a few months, so doctor gave him morphine to release the pain....as time past, his need for morphine get higher and higher....until one day....he was like sleeping all the time....it was so saddening that my dad refuse to give up although all his internal organ had been damaged by the cancer cell...(his stomach, lungs, liver, backbone, colon, intestines, basically too much damaged and he is just like a timebomb) . That night, we told my mum while he is high on morphine, he wants to fight for his life, and the best we can tell him is "dont worry, everything will be OK" .

and then, 1 hr later, the doctors came up to us and ask for our decision, whether or not to increase the morphine level, to a point where he will just fall asleep and when he stop fighting to stay alive, his heart will stop.....all of us can take to see his suffering anymore and we decided to put him to sleep.....that night is the worst nite ever in my life,

His heart stop beating 5 hrs after doctor double the morphine level.......i have to stop now...my hands started to tremble...